Saturday, June 03, 2006

Do Not Fuck With The Water Pistol

These days toy manufactureres are in a tough spot. New toys not based on a cartoon sell poorly, and the old stand-bys have been revised almost as much as possible, with their various incarnations saturating the market.

For the purposes of this story, I'll only focus on the water pistol. It's a basic hand held pump sprayer invented in 19whenever. It works on the idea that either you don't want to get wet and someone is going to make you, or you're already wet and figure what the hell, why not get a litle wetter. Then your friends get bored with the light spraying and drink the water straight from the barrel. No mom, we're not pretending to put a bullets in our heads, we're just thirsty.

Then along comes Zapit! Water pistols with disappearing ink. Motorized pump pistols rolled in around the same time too. But those were truthfully about as lame as the original pistol because the stream was the same and the range was actually worse.

Then came the big revolution, the Super soaker. The Super Soaker, combined with the American tradition of pushing a simple object to nearly obscene capabilities. The result was kids with herniated discs and repetitive stress injuries to their pumping arms from guns that held their body weight in water and in some cases were bigger than the kids themselves. Some smart person took the "fire Indian" design and adapted it to shoot a freakin pencil thick stream of water as far as your arm could pump. The gun came in two varieties, one that used water from the pool, and another that used an uncomfortable plastic back pack.

Truly water pistols had peaked. So where do to go from there? Just ask super-soaker. They now have a gun called "The Oozinator" that fires a substance that bears a striking resemblance to semen. The commercial is especially horrific because of the semen-esqueness of the self proclaimed "bio ooze". But thanks to this gun, no longer will Bukkake scenes have to end when the last guy has shot his meager load. The ooze will just keep on coming, and coming. Need more realism? Just route the hose through a good quality dildo. Now that's movie magic.

Unfortunately, and hopefully not taking his cue from the Oozinator, some guy filled up a water pistol with his own baby batter and squirted an 8 year old girl in the face after she refused to open her mouth. Then he took a quick picture for posterity and dashed off. So if you're in Orlando Florida and some guy with a water pistol asks you to open your mouth, get the hell away.

1 comment:

Eeeeekkk said...

I had a friend who managed to jury-rig some watergun into the ultimate in summer war-fare. The thing shot water for something like 40 feet. When fired point blank, it would literally strip the paint off a car. I guess my point with this observation is that at this rate, we're better off just sending kids off with sandblasters and a gasmask.