Saturday, August 11, 2007

How to get a blowjob from a Republican

Given the recent string of aggressive homosexual acts performed without the least bit of tact by Republican figureheads, a lot of people are wondering how to get in on all the action. Since we can't all run a train on Anne Coulter's brown-eye until it cries red tears, the best chance we have at getting a little something back from the people who love to take, is to go out there and get solicited for oral sex by one of those cock-hungry moral leaders.

First off, with Republicans "No" means "Hell yes". Sometimes this takes a little bit of interpretation. For instance if a Republican senator calls for homosexuals to be treated for their "illness" by church intervention, he's a cock hungry slut who can't stand sifting through male masseuses trying to find one that will stuff his mouth full of meat without ruining everything by telling the press.

So the lesson is the more vehemently anti-gay a Republican is in public, the more they want some back door action followed by a quick ass-to-mouth move and a nice warm facial.

Now that the basic understanding of desire is in place, let's get down to some dirty Republican sodomy.

If you're not a masseuse, don't worry! You don't need any skills beyond what you learn here. First off, start hanging out in restrooms in public parks. There are three things you can do to attract them.

1 - Stand at a urinal with an erection. Act like everything is normal and you're just there having a friendly piss. If you catch a homely white guy looking at your junk, give him a wink. He's probably already sucking you off in his head.

2 - Hang out in a stall with the door unlocked. Do whatever you want until someone joins you. If someone comes in and you're only out for Republican action, ask him what his position on gun control is.

3 - Stand at a sink trying to get a stain out of your pants by wetting a towel and rubbing your crotch. You figure out the rest.

Not a fan of the bathroom? If you're lucky enough to have a figurehead as a friend of the family, sleeping in common areas in easily accessible clothing is a great way to get fellated and catch up on your rest.

No public parks or family friends? Head to the smorgasbord! Republican conventions are a great place to get your dick wet. You don't even need a press pass! Just hang about outside and follow the crowds heading to the bars or back to their hotels. Remember to dress nicely in case they go somewhere with a dress code. Once you're in the bar or hotel, it's up to your conversational skills to sweet talk them into letting their guard down and taking advantage of their lack of a gag reflex.

Get sucked!