Monday, November 05, 2007

My Spam Is Your Spam

keep her entertained and swinging off your manhood
(That shit will be like a moss covered vine straight out of the Amazon. Make sure you get her a loincloth before taking MegaDik!! Tarzan ain't got shit on me!!!)

Bigger penis won't be on TV but in your shorts!
(... Good? I really don't think my TV's penis needs to be any bigger. I bought it for screen size, not the size of it's package. Really, the cat is the only one who uses it anyway.)

Do you want to enjoy an average penis and average women? We don.t think so. And so we offer something special to you.
Mega means "great". And this new development MegaDik makes your ramrod just great!
Buy it and enjoy your new sexual experiences!
You.ll be so wondered...
(Wondered I am indeed. Hehehe.... Ramrod.)

Have you ever heard this, "Gush! Your penis is really tiny!"?
Didn't you feel stupid?
Don't let girls prefer dildo to you ! Megadik will improve your situation once and forever! You must believe in this magic preparation!
"Gush! Your penis is so large!" Is it what you just love to hear?
Soon you'll be the only one girls will want! Megadik is your real cure!

(I've never heard that. Probably because my name isn't Gush. I haven't even heard that used as a nickname. I did know a guy called Geyser back in college, but that had nothing to do with his dick. The day I can walk into a party, shout "I have a MegaDik" and get every girl to follow me out the door is the day before I wake up with a sore dick and more STDs than I can count. But if Megadik cures all that too, then I'll take a case!)


At last you've met a babe that's hot
You wanna plough her juicy twat.

She's cute and taking, she's so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will long for more?
You need a dong she would adore!

But how to raise it long and thick?
Your only hope is MegaDik!

You'll get so wanted super-size
And see great pleasure in her eyes!
Your schlong will slam her poon so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!

So try today this magic p'ill
And change your life at your own will!
(Fuck you Shakespeare!)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

All You Can Rape Buffet

It's been a while since I've come across something that is worth writing about here. But this.. oh this is so fucked up, I don't want it to be topped for a long time.

Have you ever been eating a pork chop and thought to yourself "Gee, I wish I could have raped that pig before it got butchered, grilled and put on my plate?" Perhaps pig isn't your style. Maybe you eat dog, and had the same thought. Or maybe lamb.

Well somebody not only had that thought, they did something about it and opened a members only restaurant where you can do just that. Buried in the Tokyo underground such a restaurant exists. If you're a lucky member, and you can fit your dick in it, you can rape it and have it served for you and your party. That's right, your friends can eat the animal you raped not minutes before. Perhaps they want to get in on that and get some bestial gang rape action going to work up a proper appetite. Just imagine the dinner conversation "Hey your semen seasoned this pork rectum beautifully. What do you usually eat? When I rape swine here it never tastes this good."

Seriously though, if an animal goes through a traumatic rape, how chewy is that meat going to be? They must feed it some tranquilizers to keep the meat tender.


Also, Sherri Shepherd the new view co-host isn't sure if the world is flat. Apparently it never factored into caring for her kids. Seriously if the ignorant bitch hasn't seen a globe in her lifetime just what has she been up to? I bet she's been kept in a windowless kitchen grilling raped animals.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

How to get a blowjob from a Republican

Given the recent string of aggressive homosexual acts performed without the least bit of tact by Republican figureheads, a lot of people are wondering how to get in on all the action. Since we can't all run a train on Anne Coulter's brown-eye until it cries red tears, the best chance we have at getting a little something back from the people who love to take, is to go out there and get solicited for oral sex by one of those cock-hungry moral leaders.

First off, with Republicans "No" means "Hell yes". Sometimes this takes a little bit of interpretation. For instance if a Republican senator calls for homosexuals to be treated for their "illness" by church intervention, he's a cock hungry slut who can't stand sifting through male masseuses trying to find one that will stuff his mouth full of meat without ruining everything by telling the press.

So the lesson is the more vehemently anti-gay a Republican is in public, the more they want some back door action followed by a quick ass-to-mouth move and a nice warm facial.

Now that the basic understanding of desire is in place, let's get down to some dirty Republican sodomy.

If you're not a masseuse, don't worry! You don't need any skills beyond what you learn here. First off, start hanging out in restrooms in public parks. There are three things you can do to attract them.

1 - Stand at a urinal with an erection. Act like everything is normal and you're just there having a friendly piss. If you catch a homely white guy looking at your junk, give him a wink. He's probably already sucking you off in his head.

2 - Hang out in a stall with the door unlocked. Do whatever you want until someone joins you. If someone comes in and you're only out for Republican action, ask him what his position on gun control is.

3 - Stand at a sink trying to get a stain out of your pants by wetting a towel and rubbing your crotch. You figure out the rest.

Not a fan of the bathroom? If you're lucky enough to have a figurehead as a friend of the family, sleeping in common areas in easily accessible clothing is a great way to get fellated and catch up on your rest.

No public parks or family friends? Head to the smorgasbord! Republican conventions are a great place to get your dick wet. You don't even need a press pass! Just hang about outside and follow the crowds heading to the bars or back to their hotels. Remember to dress nicely in case they go somewhere with a dress code. Once you're in the bar or hotel, it's up to your conversational skills to sweet talk them into letting their guard down and taking advantage of their lack of a gag reflex.

Get sucked!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Fuck You Andy Dick

I always thought you were just some asshole who people kept giving the spotlight to. Now I find out that you helped kill Phil Hartman. That man's voice and wit were goddamned national treasures. The only thing you've done is put the taste of bile in millions of peoples throats.

Do the right thing and disappear.

Jon Lovitz, I have an entirely new kind of appreciation for you.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Falwell Finally Falls

Jerry Falwell is finally dead.

Thank the lord Christ.

The moral majority can suck the puss from my genital warts.

The same command extends to the "Faith and Values" committe.

Closet-monster-conservative-scumfucks the whole lot of you.

Your children smoke strawberry quik and masturbate like the crazed apes on amphetamines that they are. But hot damn do they love jesus.

Which is why you'll find them hanging from your good belt in your closet one day after you come home from work. Having autoerotically asphyxiated themselves after looking through your S&M porn stash.

Their final earthly excrement pooling out of your good sunday shoes.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Stumpfucker

Every once in a while a piece of porn comes my way that makes me breathe a sigh of amazed relief. More commonly it's "Who in the fuck gets their rocks off to this?" or just a simple "Fuck".

In this particular piece of film, a girl who had her left foot amputated rides a man reverse cowgirl style. Amputee porn is hard to find to begin with, so right of the bat it's of particular interest. What makes the scene even better is that the girls foot wasn't simply amputated, there was significant muscle loss near the stump. She had the top third of calf intact but below that was a tapered smooth tipped stump that I swear with a little bit of rouge at the tip would look just like a cock. A girl leans foward and kisses the tip of the stump and gets it slick. Then the amputee who is still riding the fellow below her starts to fuck the girl in front of her with the stump.

Honest to goodness stump-fucking.

Everything that can be done will be done regardless of the cost.
It is our destiny.

Personally I would like to see that actress fist two girls at the same time while fucking another chick with her stump while getting double stump penetrated and getting throat fucked. The only way that scene could get better is if her other foot was amputated as well allowing her to have all four of her appendages buried in vag.

Waste not want not.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Blowjob Haiku Blog

I don't normally go for poetry, but this I can get into.

Blowjob pics from Flickr, each with their own Haiku.

http://blowjobhaikus.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Your Friendly Neighborhood Radioactive Jizz-lobber

Thanks to Warren Ellis, this morning I became aware of a Spiderman comic (Spider-Man: Reign #3) in which Mary Jane dies of Cancer. Truly tragic. But the source of the cancer is even more tragic, disturbing and confusing. Peter gave it to her via general contact and his radioactive semen, and confesses to doing so in a teary confession to Mary's corpse. "oh god, I'm sorry. The doctors didn't know how it happened. How you had been poisoned by radioactivity! How your body slowly became riddled with cancer! I did. I was... I am filled with radioactive blood. And not just blood. Every fluid. Touching me... loving me... Loving me killed you! Like a spider, crawling up inside your body and laying a thousand eggs of cancer.... I killed you."

Let that sink in for a minute.

Spiderman got his powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider. Now I'm no scientist, but the contamination he received could not have possibly made him radioactive. If it had, how come he didn't get cancer? Why is he still alive with his ripped muscles, a full head of hair and a mouth full of teeth? While I'm no scientist, Peter is. A guy like that would have noticed if he was radioactive. And to be conscious of the fact that you're killing your hot wife by simply being around her, not to mention when you kiss her, or pump her full of your radioactive seed.... That's just fucked.

Peter's garbage man probably got cancer too after hauling away bags full of radioactive spooge filled tissues every week.

I can already picture a frame with a Frank Miller-esque Spiderman, mask half torn off, blood covering his battered face as he holds his beaten opponent by the shirt with both hands. "I'm going to kill you like I killed Mary Jane." As he shakes his head and sprays blood all over the villain. Heck, he should go out and contract AIDS and herpes just for good measure.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN LOU!!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!!!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Hoohaa Monologues

VAGINA


A woman called the Alamo theater in Florida to complain about the presence of the word vagina on their marquee because her 12 year old niece asked "Auntie, what's a vagina?"

Can you imagine being 12 and not knowing what the parts of your body are called? What the fuck kind of sheltered life does this girl lead where she somehow escaped any kind of decent biology lesson? Her parents should be ashamed of themselves.

The theater should have held it's ground and not changed anything. However, by changing the title it gives the country a fresh shiny exhibit of how backwards a lot of people are while drawing attention to their production.

Any publicity is good publicity.




Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Not Sofa King We Todd Ed After Awl

So as I was standing outside last night with a bonafide cigarette between my lips, it dawned on me why Boston flipped out like it did. It all makes perfect sense, and despite what it looks like Boston was the luckiest city out of the select few that the advertisements went up in.

It all began when a confused citizen who overdosed on their 'tussin called the police department saying that there was a threatening device shining an unfamiliar image on a bridge. Police go to check it out, and it's plainly not a bomb. They've seen the signs before in various places around the city. The officers then have the following glowing idea. React like it is a bomb. Call in the bomb squad and run a city wide drill. People get practice, and it shows the city that they're prepared to handle a threat. Everyone plays along and the innocent devices become a threat worthy of 2 million dollars in compensation money. The sum of which easily covers the 500,000 bill from the police department, and gives both the police, and the city some extra funding. Plus Aqua Teen Hunger Force got unprecedented publicity for the upcoming movie. The only people who are getting the shaft so far are the two fellows who were paid to put the signs up in the first place. Especially now that it has been shown that they taped the police flipping out over the signs. Even so, they'll probably make it out of this alright.

Well played.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Sofa King We Todd Ed

Boston flips a shit over 2 bit LED aliens flipping shiny birds into oncoming traffic.

ATHF is the bomb!

Pick up a T-shirt as a monument to human idiocy!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Shitting Dick Nipples

Yesterday I came across an interesting image in my online rounds. The originality somehow outweighed any gross out reactions that would have otherwise occured. A tall Anime girl with a beer gut, tons of chest hair and the real capper.... Shitting Dick Nipples. In relation to her body these were at least as thick as her arms and ten inches long. Not the rosy color usually associated with nipples, but big black cocks with something censored above the tip and shit coming out the ends. The censorship really confounds me. If shitting dick nipples are OK, what the hell isn't? Did the cocks have swastika eyes?

So I'm putting it out to you the reader, what do you think is more offensive than shitting dick nipples and would be on the head of a cock nipple?

Oh, and if you want to see the picture in question, just do a search for "shitting dick nipples" it should come right up.