Your Friendly Neighborhood Radioactive Jizz-lobber

Thanks to Warren Ellis, this morning I became aware of a Spiderman comic (Spider-Man: Reign #3) in which Mary Jane dies of Cancer. Truly tragic. But the source of the cancer is even more tragic, disturbing and confusing. Peter gave it to her via general contact and his radioactive semen, and confesses to doing so in a teary confession to Mary's corpse. "oh god, I'm sorry. The doctors didn't know how it happened. How you had been poisoned by radioactivity! How your body slowly became riddled with cancer! I did. I was... I am filled with radioactive blood. And not just blood. Every fluid. Touching me... loving me... Loving me killed you! Like a spider, crawling up inside your body and laying a thousand eggs of cancer.... I killed you."

Let that sink in for a minute.

Spiderman got his powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider. Now I'm no scientist, but the contamination he received could not have possibly made him radioactive. If it had, how come he didn't get cancer? Why is he still alive with his ripped muscles, a full head of hair and a mouth full of teeth? While I'm no scientist, Peter is. A guy like that would have noticed if he was radioactive. And to be conscious of the fact that you're killing your hot wife by simply being around her, not to mention when you kiss her, or pump her full of your radioactive seed.... That's just fucked.

Peter's garbage man probably got cancer too after hauling away bags full of radioactive spooge filled tissues every week.

I can already picture a frame with a Frank Miller-esque Spiderman, mask half torn off, blood covering his battered face as he holds his beaten opponent by the shirt with both hands. "I'm going to kill you like I killed Mary Jane." As he shakes his head and sprays blood all over the villain. Heck, he should go out and contract AIDS and herpes just for good measure.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN LOU!!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!!!