Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Powdered Cum Flakes On My Windshield

Snow is just the cum scrapings from the peep show booths up in heaven.
Rain is just the golden showers dripping off Asian buisness men.
Hail is just ice felched from twixt the buttocks of angels.

These are just a few reasons why I seldom leave my room in inclement weather.
I'm not kinky like the rest of you fuckers.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Stephen Baldwin Can Do The Following

Stephen Baldwin can suck the wretched intestinal spatter straight from my pucker after a night of Tequila and Jalepeno n' Bean Burritos.

Stephen Baldwin can get ass raped by a mule wearing a jagged dried up cum sock while kneeling on rice and broken glass.

Stephen Baldwin can get his face directly smeared with the menstrual blood of a horde of unwashed fat chicks. Just to be clear, we're talkin' cooter to face here.

Stephen Baldwin can get ebola, gonorrhrea, worms and testicular cancer. And upon his last dying moment his hallucination will be the hand of god personally swatting him with a wingtip.

Why is Stephen Baldwin George Bush's "Cultural Advisor"?

As if we needed another exhibit of the President's idiocy.

Why are thousands of kids signing pledge cards committing themselves to a life in christ after listening to him do a street preacher schtick? He tells them that they'll be saved after their "gnarly rebirth". First off, it's Stephen Baldwin. STEPHEN BALDWIN. He can't even sell you the role he's ham fisting his way through, but he's selling you on christ? And threatening to break the face of anyone who gets in his way? Not that anyone gives a fuck what Christianity was spelled out to be anymore, but "blessed are the meek" is something even I remember from Sunday School. And in essence what is happening is you are being sold a sucker's religion by the same guy who starred alongside Pauly Shore in "Biodome".

America is doomed.

Sweet merciful crap are we doomed.

Congratulations to North Korea on their first successful nuclear test. Better late than never!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

More Dinosaur Porns?

Been watchings Metalocalypse and nows I must pluralize everythings.

Yeah, so I just watched three guys in full Teradactyl suits gang-banging a chick. Apparently my awareness of niche porn is a bit behind the times. The thing of it is, niche porn usually finds you whether you want it to or not. In this case two different sites, one having nothing to do with porn and the other being Fleshbot, pointed me towards two different dinosaur clips. So now I'm wondering if they're part of the same film, and if so, is it worth finding and downloading?

That shouldn't have even been a question. Of course it must be found and downloaded. Because really, what kind of a person would I be if I didn't have dinosaur porn on my computer? Besides, I'm kind of curious if there are other dinosaurs getting busy, and more importantly will there be a brontosaurus with it's face in a girl's bush? It is a herbivore after all.

Humpasaurus

I just watched a guy in a Tyrannosaurus Rex costume slap his big two foot rubber cock on a chick's back just before spewing a gallon of fake jizz all over her.

You know, just thought I'd share.

And of course, the dialogue is in German.

Still, it's a lot less creepy than the E.T. porn. Or the zombie porn, or the clown porn....

Thursday, August 17, 2006

All This Pussy On Pussy Violence Makes Me Sick

Lonely people do interesting things. Like getting their animals to service them orally. The methods may differ from species to species, but here are some almost sure-fire methods for getting your pet to lick your nethers. OK, so there is only one method for each animal. I'm not about to do a search for Beastiality tips, and really, we all know what our pets love to eat or lick. So just use some good sense when picking something that will get your pet licking.

Dogs: Peanut Butter (Peanut Butter is excellent because it takes a lot of effort to lick it all off. Clean up might be an issue, but lets face it, when it comes to food, dogs are pretty thorough. I'm sure that after a few times the dog will be trained enough that all you have to do is whip out your junk and his tongue will go searching for some of that peanutty goodness. Thank you Pavlov.

Cats: Valerian Root (Apparently cats dig this stuff, just be careful with your dosing, because apparently it'll get the cat all ready for battle. And when your sensitive bits are right in front of it... what do you think the cat is going to go after first? Just ask Svetlana, who after getting second dibs on the cat's tongue (can a sandpaper tongue feel good on your clit?) had the cat's claws stuck in her labia as it tried to bite her as well. As horrific as that was for poor Svetlana, she had to explain herself at the hospital, and again to her husband Borris, who immediately kicked her out of the house, and served her with divorce papers. I'm sure the ASPCA decided against filing a lawsuit due to the results of the act because Svetlana plainly learned her lesson. Cat's will flip the fuck out with no warning whatsoever, and are not to be trusted. While dogs will at least raise their lip or growl before they do anything drastic. They also have smoother tongues, bigger cocks, and get along better with children.

Seriously though, leave the pets alone. They know exactly what's going on, and most of them don't appreciate it.



*****edit: I asked around and apparently a cat's tongue has been speculated to feel really good on the clit. Still, leave the cats alone, or at the very least don't dab your cooter with Valerian Root extract.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Italian Stallion

Attend

Check the clip. Official proof of his porn movie's existence.
Granted he's just prancing and pratfalling through the winter wonderland... but look at it this way, if these are the only G rated bits in the whole movie and it's a feature length sex film, that means there's a whole lot of fucking going on and damned if Stallone ain't in the middle of it. I'm going to read up on why he was so broke after he did Rocky. I have a feeling I knew why once, but damned if I know now. Stallone put the whole thing quite well. "I was starving when I did it..... I was desperate..... You know when you're' hungry you do a lot of things you wouldn't ordinarily do!" Regardless, this is on par with the almost Tony Danza in "Insatiable" Only it's a little better since it's actually him. I bet the movie is just him taking on one chick after the other and probably a few at a time. Honestly it's going to be a little hard not to imagine him as Rambo, or Rocky just fucking away. I'll bet that there will be edited movies with the footage from Italian Stallion. To the tune of sex scenes in each and every one of Stallone's Movies. EVERY SINGLE ONE. The dregs will end up on YTMND and they'll blossom into ridiculous new internet fads. The nation will be eating Stallone's steaming load and they'll pay good money for it. May the Italian Stallion never die. At least not on the internets.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Fuck My Furniture

Furniture Porn and destruction have nothing to do with this. It's only the former if you film it.



Fuckable furniture. Awesome companion? One more thing to worry about when selecting a seat at a party?

"Never mind the smell, does this chair have a vagina?"

homemade-sex-toys.com


They're not selling it, they're just showing you how to make your own. In both standard and economy models. Bean bag or trash bag. You decide. The way I see it you have to have the standard or even luxury model at home. After all, you don't want to seem lonely and skeevy. But think of the economy model as an emergency on the road sort of thing.

Pass the homemade humping hole construction plans around in pamphlets, and maybe people will stop getting humped by the homeless... Unless of course, you're into that. And it's cool if you are. Hey, I understand. Ain't nothin' wrong with the way you like it, as long as you aren't hurting someone who doesn't like it. Unless that person is your parents. Then fuck that shit, they need to realize you're your own person! If you want to make Jello-Jiggler vaginas, fuck 'em and eat them with Cool Whip while watching extremely fat women rolling slowly down an incline. Then hey, that's cool. It's when you want them girls to roll over thumbtacks followed by sheets of paper that it becomes art.

"How violated would you feel if you sat in someone's beanbag chair and they didn't tell you it was their ballin' bag. You'd swear up a storm and threaten a lawsuit if the pants you're wearing have any semen stains on them. DNA tests would follow, as well as full exposure of your bag humping desperation. Not Fun stuff." "Take it from me, Willie Aames. Stow your humping bags or whatever "vaginated" items you own away when company comes over, unless they're coming to over to hump."

I am reminded of a passage from Frank Zappa the book wherein Frank recalls the tale of a friend who had installed orifices in mannequins, and would invite friends to come over and "fuck his family." Each of the mannequins was a different member of the family. A mother, a father. A son, a daughter and their loyal dog spot. The son, the father and spot only have two holes apiece. As for mom and sis... the phrase "Three holes, no waiting" sums it up nicely.

I hope that later on someone gifted him a cock sheath with a hamster printed on it.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Who Headbutts Someone To The Chest?





Who does this? Really. I tell you what, I ever see someone do that, I guarantee you; I would not fuck with that person. Not ever. And some people say soccer isn't hardcore.

That is the fucking definition of hardcore.

Motherfucker got laid out.

Even before he hits the ground he starts going into a fetal position.

10 bucks says he pissed himself; or worse.

DAAAAAMNN.

Drink a 40, watch this and headbutt your front door down as you greet the world.

G toe.

picture from YTMND

Saturday, July 08, 2006

MORE CORN!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Stone Ground Clit

As I drove home tonight I passed a very large woman on a bicycle. The first thought that came to mind was the incredible amount of pressure on her cooter.

I don't know about you, but I think I would be in a bit of pain if 300 pounds of pressure was mashing against my twat.

Seriously though, I'm impressed she was riding the bike. And thankful she wasn't wearing spandex.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Gentlemen, behold! CORN!!!

This makes me happy

Thursday, June 29, 2006

T Gusta El Bukkake?

Spiderman Bukkake Reggaeton

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Hail to the king baby

The "Burger King" King promotion has been going on for quite some time. Though I still to this day have yet to see one of the ads on TV. This could of course be due to the fact that I don't watch TV. Oddly enough I probably watch more TV shows than most normal people. It's a story that just doesn't belong here. Regardless; the King's popularity has found fertile soil in that exploitive viral mutation factory we lovingly call the internet. Through it all there is one fundamental joke that Burger King wanted to say, and was undoubtedly pitched behind closed doors where it has remained. A joke they hinted at with their very first ad. "Wake up with the King." What was missing from the ad were two words that could have passed in more innocent times.

Those words?

"Inside You"

Wake up with the King inside you.

Could be clean, could be sexy, could be down right horrifying.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Steckdosen Befruchten

Here's a pubic service announcement. Do not cover your dick in tin foil and stick it in an electrical outlet.

Just hook your testicles up to a car battery like everyone else.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Because Baseball Cards, Comic Books and Pogs Are Passe

I've joked about this sort of thing for years. Collecting STDs like beanie babies (and not the stuffed STDs, the real ones). The whole idea of going around and collecting different venerial diseases because its something to do is just something that feels like it needs to be done. The beautiful part about it is that no one looses anything in aquiring new diseases, everyone just gets one VD (or more) richer with each transaction.

It was only supposed to be a joke. I'm honestly a little surprised that it's a reality. See for yourselves. **Edit: The board is down. If a new link comes up, I'll update the link** Apparently the hottest property is AIDS and everyone either wants to be full blown, or is looking for another disease to help them on their way to becoming full blown. Even if the board is a joke, the seed of false legitimacy will eventually grow into something serious.

I think I'll wait until I'm 80 to start my collection. You know; while I'm making my rounds at the retirement community.

Well Endowed Strippers Are Doing God's Work.

I've recently started watching My So Called Life, devouring it like so many other wonderful shows at a clip of about two episodes a night. Last night my ears discovered a lovely gem of a quote, which apparently originated in the Girl Scouts.

"What you have is God's gift to you - what you do with what you have is your gift to God."

The next words out of my mouth were "So shake them titties for Jesus!"

Of course that quote is widely open for interpretation. Because I hardly believe that when you pick up your dog's crap with your God given hands it qualifies as a gift to God. Even if you're a gymnast doing a routine on the street and you pick up the crap mid one-handed cartwheel, and throw the bag you sealed and knotted while doing a double front flip into a garbage can across the street as you raised your hands in completion. It probably still wouldn't count as a gift. But the erection you gave to the 75 year old man who caught a good beaver shot since you were doing the whole routine in a mini skirt with no panties... Now that is a gift to God.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Do Not Fuck With The Water Pistol

These days toy manufactureres are in a tough spot. New toys not based on a cartoon sell poorly, and the old stand-bys have been revised almost as much as possible, with their various incarnations saturating the market.

For the purposes of this story, I'll only focus on the water pistol. It's a basic hand held pump sprayer invented in 19whenever. It works on the idea that either you don't want to get wet and someone is going to make you, or you're already wet and figure what the hell, why not get a litle wetter. Then your friends get bored with the light spraying and drink the water straight from the barrel. No mom, we're not pretending to put a bullets in our heads, we're just thirsty.

Then along comes Zapit! Water pistols with disappearing ink. Motorized pump pistols rolled in around the same time too. But those were truthfully about as lame as the original pistol because the stream was the same and the range was actually worse.

Then came the big revolution, the Super soaker. The Super Soaker, combined with the American tradition of pushing a simple object to nearly obscene capabilities. The result was kids with herniated discs and repetitive stress injuries to their pumping arms from guns that held their body weight in water and in some cases were bigger than the kids themselves. Some smart person took the "fire Indian" design and adapted it to shoot a freakin pencil thick stream of water as far as your arm could pump. The gun came in two varieties, one that used water from the pool, and another that used an uncomfortable plastic back pack.

Truly water pistols had peaked. So where do to go from there? Just ask super-soaker. They now have a gun called "The Oozinator" that fires a substance that bears a striking resemblance to semen. The commercial is especially horrific because of the semen-esqueness of the self proclaimed "bio ooze". But thanks to this gun, no longer will Bukkake scenes have to end when the last guy has shot his meager load. The ooze will just keep on coming, and coming. Need more realism? Just route the hose through a good quality dildo. Now that's movie magic.

Unfortunately, and hopefully not taking his cue from the Oozinator, some guy filled up a water pistol with his own baby batter and squirted an 8 year old girl in the face after she refused to open her mouth. Then he took a quick picture for posterity and dashed off. So if you're in Orlando Florida and some guy with a water pistol asks you to open your mouth, get the hell away.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Perhaps This Is A Trend

How do you feel when you hear that a 72 year old man who takes care of the elderly, sexually assaulted an 86 year old woman with Alzheimers?

A) Disgusted. Because the only thing worse than rape, is old people raping each other.
B) Disgusted. Because the thought of old people having sex is just gross.
C) Amused. Who better to sexually assault than someone who can't remember who their
children are, let alone what happened five minutes ago?
D) Shocked. That a perfectly ambulatory elderly man was going after a woman 16 years his
senior instead of lusting after the 18 year girl old at the hardware store like any
normal old man.
E) Confused. As to how someone who changes adult diapers would get turned on in the process.


True story. Oddly enough it happened in Canada. And on a serious note, the woman did remember and was and is traumatized. No woman should have to go through such things. But really, if it had to happen... better 86 than 8.

Lost Tabs On The Rolodex Of Love

Cropduster: When you run or swing over someone who is lying down while spraying them with your seed. Airplane noises are optional.

The Vag Vase, AKA "The Cabbie", AKA Pebble Beach: Stuff your girl's cooter full of marbles and give eachother a massage as you copulate. This is the only real sex therapy.

Meat Pocket Marbles: What you get after doing "The Cabbie". Wash 'em before you put them back in your kid's room. Or just keep them around to sniff at the office so you can laugh when your co-workers comment on the lovely smell of your fake flowers.



Remember. The Vagina is nothing like a traffic light. If it's green, yellow or red, get the fuck out of bed.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Your Grandparents Get More Ass Then You Do

The biggest hotbeds of STD transmission are retirement communities.

Thank you Viagra and Menopause.

After all who needs condoms when you can’t get pregnant right? If you love your grandparents, get them a big box condoms for the holidays. Because who wants their inheritance going towards Herpes treatments, and topical creams?

And what if they get it on the face and then kiss your kids? Do you want your children getting oral herpes because grandpa ate one to many stale muffins?

Stick It And Hope It Doesn't Get Stuck

You name it; someone has stuck their dick in it.

And if they haven’t, it’s just a matter of time.





Fact: The two most popular places to get your dick stuck are the neck of a bottle and your zipper.

An Open Letter To A Girl

Tonight I gave a girl a haircut just like yours. And I fucked her with all the passion I had saved up from every time I thought about fucking you. Now my ears are bleeding and she won’t be able to walk for a month.

Anal Rape


This is what you're in for people.

Lube up before you leave your house.