Wednesday, January 06, 2010

9000 is the magic number

The human race as a whole had only counted to 8999 prior to the existence of Dragon Ball Z. Who not only took us to 9000, but also way over that number. Anonymous brought that revelation to hundreds of thousands of housewives through disturbing and false pretense. Imagine if you will over 9000 penises all organized and raping children. Now imagine them just by themselves. 9000 disembodied penises just sitting there. Are they hard? Soft? Somewhere in between? Are they stacked up on their sides like firewood, or standing end to end like a giant store display of Coke bottles? What would make them decide to rape children? Would a penis fuck anything if it had a choice in the matter? Now imagine someone running electrical current through the giant store display of stacked penises and watching them all convulse and bulge. All simultaneously trying to cum the cum that's not there since there are no balls to be found. Imagine them all slowly deflating and wilting into a messy heap of flaccid cocks. A few beats later something arousing walks by and they all stand back up at attention. Like a slow-acting collapsing string toy. The kind where a figure is held together by string held taught by a button on a spring.

Penises don't rape children. Oprah should know better.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I need your help

There has got to be a better term for a circle fuck than circle fuck. When a bunch of girls get together and eat each others peaches in a circle it's a daisy chain. But when a bunch of guys get together and all fuck each other in a circle, it's just called a circle fuck. Boring. Actually daisy chain sounds kind of boring too.

Kick it around your brain pan and come up with something better. The world deserves it. Extra points for coining a term that is both fitting and otherwise wholesome. Names of politicians will not be accepted.

I'm open to suggestions.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I Found It!! Bill Cosby Giving Birth To A Hoagie!!!

A Grinder bigger than your dad's cock when you're two years old. And then oh, I can't spoil it. See for yourselves and relive the bizarre glory of this Cosby Show episode.

It's great to see these again. Because it proves I'm not hallucinating.

Monday, November 05, 2007

My Spam Is Your Spam

keep her entertained and swinging off your manhood
(That shit will be like a moss covered vine straight out of the Amazon. Make sure you get her a loincloth before taking MegaDik!! Tarzan ain't got shit on me!!!)

Bigger penis won't be on TV but in your shorts!
(... Good? I really don't think my TV's penis needs to be any bigger. I bought it for screen size, not the size of it's package. Really, the cat is the only one who uses it anyway.)

Do you want to enjoy an average penis and average women? We don.t think so. And so we offer something special to you.
Mega means "great". And this new development MegaDik makes your ramrod just great!
Buy it and enjoy your new sexual experiences!
You.ll be so wondered...
(Wondered I am indeed. Hehehe.... Ramrod.)

Have you ever heard this, "Gush! Your penis is really tiny!"?
Didn't you feel stupid?
Don't let girls prefer dildo to you ! Megadik will improve your situation once and forever! You must believe in this magic preparation!
"Gush! Your penis is so large!" Is it what you just love to hear?
Soon you'll be the only one girls will want! Megadik is your real cure!

(I've never heard that. Probably because my name isn't Gush. I haven't even heard that used as a nickname. I did know a guy called Geyser back in college, but that had nothing to do with his dick. The day I can walk into a party, shout "I have a MegaDik" and get every girl to follow me out the door is the day before I wake up with a sore dick and more STDs than I can count. But if Megadik cures all that too, then I'll take a case!)

At last you've met a babe that's hot
You wanna plough her juicy twat.

She's cute and taking, she's so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will long for more?
You need a dong she would adore!

But how to raise it long and thick?
Your only hope is MegaDik!

You'll get so wanted super-size
And see great pleasure in her eyes!
Your schlong will slam her poon so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!

So try today this magic p'ill
And change your life at your own will!
(Fuck you Shakespeare!)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

All You Can Rape Buffet

It's been a while since I've come across something that is worth writing about here. But this.. oh this is so fucked up, I don't want it to be topped for a long time.

Have you ever been eating a pork chop and thought to yourself "Gee, I wish I could have raped that pig before it got butchered, grilled and put on my plate?" Perhaps pig isn't your style. Maybe you eat dog, and had the same thought. Or maybe lamb.

Well somebody not only had that thought, they did something about it and opened a members only restaurant where you can do just that. Buried in the Tokyo underground such a restaurant exists. If you're a lucky member, and you can fit your dick in it, you can rape it and have it served for you and your party. That's right, your friends can eat the animal you raped not minutes before. Perhaps they want to get in on that and get some bestial gang rape action going to work up a proper appetite. Just imagine the dinner conversation "Hey your semen seasoned this pork rectum beautifully. What do you usually eat? When I rape swine here it never tastes this good."

Seriously though, if an animal goes through a traumatic rape, how chewy is that meat going to be? They must feed it some tranquilizers to keep the meat tender.

Also, Sherri Shepherd the new view co-host isn't sure if the world is flat. Apparently it never factored into caring for her kids. Seriously if the ignorant bitch hasn't seen a globe in her lifetime just what has she been up to? I bet she's been kept in a windowless kitchen grilling raped animals.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

How to get a blowjob from a Republican

Given the recent string of aggressive homosexual acts performed without the least bit of tact by Republican figureheads, a lot of people are wondering how to get in on all the action. Since we can't all run a train on Anne Coulter's brown-eye until it cries red tears, the best chance we have at getting a little something back from the people who love to take, is to go out there and get solicited for oral sex by one of those cock-hungry moral leaders.

First off, with Republicans "No" means "Hell yes". Sometimes this takes a little bit of interpretation. For instance if a Republican senator calls for homosexuals to be treated for their "illness" by church intervention, he's a cock hungry slut who can't stand sifting through male masseuses trying to find one that will stuff his mouth full of meat without ruining everything by telling the press.

So the lesson is the more vehemently anti-gay a Republican is in public, the more they want some back door action followed by a quick ass-to-mouth move and a nice warm facial.

Now that the basic understanding of desire is in place, let's get down to some dirty Republican sodomy.

If you're not a masseuse, don't worry! You don't need any skills beyond what you learn here. First off, start hanging out in restrooms in public parks. There are three things you can do to attract them.

1 - Stand at a urinal with an erection. Act like everything is normal and you're just there having a friendly piss. If you catch a homely white guy looking at your junk, give him a wink. He's probably already sucking you off in his head.

2 - Hang out in a stall with the door unlocked. Do whatever you want until someone joins you. If someone comes in and you're only out for Republican action, ask him what his position on gun control is.

3 - Stand at a sink trying to get a stain out of your pants by wetting a towel and rubbing your crotch. You figure out the rest.

Not a fan of the bathroom? If you're lucky enough to have a figurehead as a friend of the family, sleeping in common areas in easily accessible clothing is a great way to get fellated and catch up on your rest.

No public parks or family friends? Head to the smorgasbord! Republican conventions are a great place to get your dick wet. You don't even need a press pass! Just hang about outside and follow the crowds heading to the bars or back to their hotels. Remember to dress nicely in case they go somewhere with a dress code. Once you're in the bar or hotel, it's up to your conversational skills to sweet talk them into letting their guard down and taking advantage of their lack of a gag reflex.

Get sucked!