Thursday, August 17, 2006

All This Pussy On Pussy Violence Makes Me Sick

Lonely people do interesting things. Like getting their animals to service them orally. The methods may differ from species to species, but here are some almost sure-fire methods for getting your pet to lick your nethers. OK, so there is only one method for each animal. I'm not about to do a search for Beastiality tips, and really, we all know what our pets love to eat or lick. So just use some good sense when picking something that will get your pet licking.

Dogs: Peanut Butter (Peanut Butter is excellent because it takes a lot of effort to lick it all off. Clean up might be an issue, but lets face it, when it comes to food, dogs are pretty thorough. I'm sure that after a few times the dog will be trained enough that all you have to do is whip out your junk and his tongue will go searching for some of that peanutty goodness. Thank you Pavlov.

Cats: Valerian Root (Apparently cats dig this stuff, just be careful with your dosing, because apparently it'll get the cat all ready for battle. And when your sensitive bits are right in front of it... what do you think the cat is going to go after first? Just ask Svetlana, who after getting second dibs on the cat's tongue (can a sandpaper tongue feel good on your clit?) had the cat's claws stuck in her labia as it tried to bite her as well. As horrific as that was for poor Svetlana, she had to explain herself at the hospital, and again to her husband Borris, who immediately kicked her out of the house, and served her with divorce papers. I'm sure the ASPCA decided against filing a lawsuit due to the results of the act because Svetlana plainly learned her lesson. Cat's will flip the fuck out with no warning whatsoever, and are not to be trusted. While dogs will at least raise their lip or growl before they do anything drastic. They also have smoother tongues, bigger cocks, and get along better with children.

Seriously though, leave the pets alone. They know exactly what's going on, and most of them don't appreciate it.

*****edit: I asked around and apparently a cat's tongue has been speculated to feel really good on the clit. Still, leave the cats alone, or at the very least don't dab your cooter with Valerian Root extract.