Monday, February 26, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Your Friendly Neighborhood Radioactive Jizz-lobber
Thanks to Warren Ellis, this morning I became aware of a Spiderman comic (Spider-Man: Reign #3) in which Mary Jane dies of Cancer. Truly tragic. But the source of the cancer is even more tragic, disturbing and confusing. Peter gave it to her via general contact and his radioactive semen, and confesses to doing so in a teary confession to Mary's corpse. "oh god, I'm sorry. The doctors didn't know how it happened. How you had been poisoned by radioactivity! How your body slowly became riddled with cancer! I did. I was... I am filled with radioactive blood. And not just blood. Every fluid. Touching me... loving me... Loving me killed you! Like a spider, crawling up inside your body and laying a thousand eggs of cancer.... I killed you."
Let that sink in for a minute.
Spiderman got his powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider. Now I'm no scientist, but the contamination he received could not have possibly made him radioactive. If it had, how come he didn't get cancer? Why is he still alive with his ripped muscles, a full head of hair and a mouth full of teeth? While I'm no scientist, Peter is. A guy like that would have noticed if he was radioactive. And to be conscious of the fact that you're killing your hot wife by simply being around her, not to mention when you kiss her, or pump her full of your radioactive seed.... That's just fucked.
Peter's garbage man probably got cancer too after hauling away bags full of radioactive spooge filled tissues every week.
I can already picture a frame with a Frank Miller-esque Spiderman, mask half torn off, blood covering his battered face as he holds his beaten opponent by the shirt with both hands. "I'm going to kill you like I killed Mary Jane." As he shakes his head and sprays blood all over the villain. Heck, he should go out and contract AIDS and herpes just for good measure.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN LOU!!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!!!
Let that sink in for a minute.
Spiderman got his powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider. Now I'm no scientist, but the contamination he received could not have possibly made him radioactive. If it had, how come he didn't get cancer? Why is he still alive with his ripped muscles, a full head of hair and a mouth full of teeth? While I'm no scientist, Peter is. A guy like that would have noticed if he was radioactive. And to be conscious of the fact that you're killing your hot wife by simply being around her, not to mention when you kiss her, or pump her full of your radioactive seed.... That's just fucked.
Peter's garbage man probably got cancer too after hauling away bags full of radioactive spooge filled tissues every week.
I can already picture a frame with a Frank Miller-esque Spiderman, mask half torn off, blood covering his battered face as he holds his beaten opponent by the shirt with both hands. "I'm going to kill you like I killed Mary Jane." As he shakes his head and sprays blood all over the villain. Heck, he should go out and contract AIDS and herpes just for good measure.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN LOU!!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!!!
Thursday, February 08, 2007
The Hoohaa Monologues
VAGINA
A woman called the Alamo theater in Florida to complain about the presence of the word vagina on their marquee because her 12 year old niece asked "Auntie, what's a vagina?"
Can you imagine being 12 and not knowing what the parts of your body are called? What the fuck kind of sheltered life does this girl lead where she somehow escaped any kind of decent biology lesson? Her parents should be ashamed of themselves.
The theater should have held it's ground and not changed anything. However, by changing the title it gives the country a fresh shiny exhibit of how backwards a lot of people are while drawing attention to their production.
Any publicity is good publicity.
Can you imagine being 12 and not knowing what the parts of your body are called? What the fuck kind of sheltered life does this girl lead where she somehow escaped any kind of decent biology lesson? Her parents should be ashamed of themselves.
The theater should have held it's ground and not changed anything. However, by changing the title it gives the country a fresh shiny exhibit of how backwards a lot of people are while drawing attention to their production.
Any publicity is good publicity.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Not Sofa King We Todd Ed After Awl
So as I was standing outside last night with a bonafide cigarette between my lips, it dawned on me why Boston flipped out like it did. It all makes perfect sense, and despite what it looks like Boston was the luckiest city out of the select few that the advertisements went up in.
It all began when a confused citizen who overdosed on their 'tussin called the police department saying that there was a threatening device shining an unfamiliar image on a bridge. Police go to check it out, and it's plainly not a bomb. They've seen the signs before in various places around the city. The officers then have the following glowing idea. React like it is a bomb. Call in the bomb squad and run a city wide drill. People get practice, and it shows the city that they're prepared to handle a threat. Everyone plays along and the innocent devices become a threat worthy of 2 million dollars in compensation money. The sum of which easily covers the 500,000 bill from the police department, and gives both the police, and the city some extra funding. Plus Aqua Teen Hunger Force got unprecedented publicity for the upcoming movie. The only people who are getting the shaft so far are the two fellows who were paid to put the signs up in the first place. Especially now that it has been shown that they taped the police flipping out over the signs. Even so, they'll probably make it out of this alright.
Well played.
It all began when a confused citizen who overdosed on their 'tussin called the police department saying that there was a threatening device shining an unfamiliar image on a bridge. Police go to check it out, and it's plainly not a bomb. They've seen the signs before in various places around the city. The officers then have the following glowing idea. React like it is a bomb. Call in the bomb squad and run a city wide drill. People get practice, and it shows the city that they're prepared to handle a threat. Everyone plays along and the innocent devices become a threat worthy of 2 million dollars in compensation money. The sum of which easily covers the 500,000 bill from the police department, and gives both the police, and the city some extra funding. Plus Aqua Teen Hunger Force got unprecedented publicity for the upcoming movie. The only people who are getting the shaft so far are the two fellows who were paid to put the signs up in the first place. Especially now that it has been shown that they taped the police flipping out over the signs. Even so, they'll probably make it out of this alright.
Well played.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)