Sunday, June 25, 2006
Wake up with the King inside you.
Could be clean, could be sexy, could be down right horrifying.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Just hook your testicles up to a car battery like everyone else.
Friday, June 09, 2006
It was only supposed to be a joke. I'm honestly a little surprised that it's a reality. See for yourselves. **Edit: The board is down. If a new link comes up, I'll update the link** Apparently the hottest property is AIDS and everyone either wants to be full blown, or is looking for another disease to help them on their way to becoming full blown. Even if the board is a joke, the seed of false legitimacy will eventually grow into something serious.
I think I'll wait until I'm 80 to start my collection. You know; while I'm making my rounds at the retirement community.
"What you have is God's gift to you - what you do with what you have is your gift to God."
The next words out of my mouth were "So shake them titties for Jesus!"
Of course that quote is widely open for interpretation. Because I hardly believe that when you pick up your dog's crap with your God given hands it qualifies as a gift to God. Even if you're a gymnast doing a routine on the street and you pick up the crap mid one-handed cartwheel, and throw the bag you sealed and knotted while doing a double front flip into a garbage can across the street as you raised your hands in completion. It probably still wouldn't count as a gift. But the erection you gave to the 75 year old man who caught a good beaver shot since you were doing the whole routine in a mini skirt with no panties... Now that is a gift to God.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
For the purposes of this story, I'll only focus on the water pistol. It's a basic hand held pump sprayer invented in 19whenever. It works on the idea that either you don't want to get wet and someone is going to make you, or you're already wet and figure what the hell, why not get a litle wetter. Then your friends get bored with the light spraying and drink the water straight from the barrel. No mom, we're not pretending to put a bullets in our heads, we're just thirsty.
Then along comes Zapit! Water pistols with disappearing ink. Motorized pump pistols rolled in around the same time too. But those were truthfully about as lame as the original pistol because the stream was the same and the range was actually worse.
Then came the big revolution, the Super soaker. The Super Soaker, combined with the American tradition of pushing a simple object to nearly obscene capabilities. The result was kids with herniated discs and repetitive stress injuries to their pumping arms from guns that held their body weight in water and in some cases were bigger than the kids themselves. Some smart person took the "fire Indian" design and adapted it to shoot a freakin pencil thick stream of water as far as your arm could pump. The gun came in two varieties, one that used water from the pool, and another that used an uncomfortable plastic back pack.
Truly water pistols had peaked. So where do to go from there? Just ask super-soaker. They now have a gun called "The Oozinator" that fires a substance that bears a striking resemblance to semen. The commercial is especially horrific because of the semen-esqueness of the self proclaimed "bio ooze". But thanks to this gun, no longer will Bukkake scenes have to end when the last guy has shot his meager load. The ooze will just keep on coming, and coming. Need more realism? Just route the hose through a good quality dildo. Now that's movie magic.
Unfortunately, and hopefully not taking his cue from the Oozinator, some guy filled up a water pistol with his own baby batter and squirted an 8 year old girl in the face after she refused to open her mouth. Then he took a quick picture for posterity and dashed off. So if you're in Orlando Florida and some guy with a water pistol asks you to open your mouth, get the hell away.
Friday, June 02, 2006
A) Disgusted. Because the only thing worse than rape, is old people raping each other.
B) Disgusted. Because the thought of old people having sex is just gross.
C) Amused. Who better to sexually assault than someone who can't remember who their
children are, let alone what happened five minutes ago?
D) Shocked. That a perfectly ambulatory elderly man was going after a woman 16 years his
senior instead of lusting after the 18 year girl old at the hardware store like any
normal old man.
E) Confused. As to how someone who changes adult diapers would get turned on in the process.
True story. Oddly enough it happened in Canada. And on a serious note, the woman did remember and was and is traumatized. No woman should have to go through such things. But really, if it had to happen... better 86 than 8.
The Vag Vase, AKA "The Cabbie", AKA Pebble Beach: Stuff your girl's cooter full of marbles and give eachother a massage as you copulate. This is the only real sex therapy.
Meat Pocket Marbles: What you get after doing "The Cabbie". Wash 'em before you put them back in your kid's room. Or just keep them around to sniff at the office so you can laugh when your co-workers comment on the lovely smell of your fake flowers.
Remember. The Vagina is nothing like a traffic light. If it's green, yellow or red, get the fuck out of bed.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The biggest hotbeds of STD transmission are retirement communities.
Thank you Viagra and Menopause.
After all who needs condoms when you can’t get pregnant right? If you love your grandparents, get them a big box condoms for the holidays. Because who wants their inheritance going towards Herpes treatments, and topical creams?
And what if they get it on the face and then kiss your kids? Do you want your children getting oral herpes because grandpa ate one to many stale muffins?